Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
