i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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