you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i need some magic done to my vagina
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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