Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
