I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
