Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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