just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
