She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over