I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.