Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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