my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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