OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
