What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
