he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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