I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
