so explain again why im purple
no
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
