I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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