Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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