someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
