I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
