she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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