You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
