this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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