I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
