It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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