respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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