how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
