I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
