what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
