My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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