the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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