Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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