You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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