guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
