my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
