Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
