Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
