I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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