Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
