Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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