I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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