If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
