So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
