I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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