thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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