I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
