I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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