Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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