based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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