I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
