WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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