I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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