in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
