Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
