Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am one with the molecules
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
